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[25 Jul 2014|08:38pm]
Somehow as the day went by, I knew he was going to stand me up. When I got off work at 1:30 I walked to the bank and cashed my check, alone. Went into a Wendy's and ate half of a double cheeseburger and some fries, alone. Got the bus home, walked home alone. During this whole day, not a single soul called or texted me to hang out, see how I'm doing, etc. But of course what hurts the most is, he didn't. The only man who has ever made love to me. The most quick, simple way to put it. The man I fell in love with at first sight.
I got home, smoked, took a nap. Alone. I showered, did my hair and makeup, knowing full well that I was doing all this, just to cry myself to sleep. Alone. I don't know why he worked to get my heart, my trust, just to leave me out of nowhere. We had been planning to spend today together and he just stood me up. He even called me last night to remind me he's going to make sweet love to me today. And I haven't heard from him once. I just don't get it.
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[19 Apr 2014|10:18pm]
Finally went back and read all my old entries 10 years and back. Wow.

Today I can finally say, besides weed, I am drug and alcohol free. I stopped selling my body on November 29 when I got my DUI. I went back to tricking twice since then because I was on crack benders, trying to get over my boyfriend that cheated on me, made up a whole story so that he wouldn't have to just admit the truth. I was getting guys on craigslist, stopped for awhile, then went back to both that and my old agency. But in the past few years, I've put on so much weight, agencies won't take me anymore. I've come to embrace it, I feel as though I subconsciously, purposely put the weight on so I wouldn't be able to sell my pussy anymore, and start loving myself. I'm still not at the point of loving myself, but I have such severe PTSD that I cry randomly for no reason, including right now. Anytime any guy tries to get with me I shut them out and ignore them. My quitting tricking has led to bumps in the road of course, including Noel or Geechi. Lots of self abusing scenarios, because of course I wouldn't be me without that.
I'm finally starting to see the light on a lot of aspects of life. I'm finally realizing that I have literally spent the past 10 years self destructing, getting high, over and over again. Never making anything of myself or having anything to show for it. I just... I am a very strong person. But I guess I am just not strong enough to push myself to make real moves in life, also kind of because I need to smoke weed to ease my constant anxiety and depression thinking of my past, and I get lazy always being high. I've settled into this dead end, nowhere, part-time job paying $9 an hour. I take my $200 a week and don't save a fucking cent. I've kind of become too comfortable, I'm getting old, but I feel like I have just accomplished so much by getting out of the game, finally completely.
I have my autistic brother to worry about. My mom is not gonna be around forever, and I want to be financially stable enough to be able to afford my own fucking place, have a life, have him be able to live at home with me. I just want to get it together and be a self supporting person and have my own place and be able to drive and just live. I just can't believe how bad I've fucked it up for myself. I have tattoos on my hands I can't hide that hinder me from finding a good job, that combined with the fact that I lost my license until further notice? I am so pathetic and depend on my mom for my life. I have so much more to say, but I want to go smoke some weed now and cheer up. I will write more later tonight or tomorrow when I get emotional again.
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[22 Feb 2014|11:05pm]
I have been feeling so sorry for myself lately, my whole DUI situation, forever psychologically addicted to crack, cant get my license back, cant get a good job, fucked myself for life with my unhideable tattoos and whatnot. Hate my dad. Etc. But then, I'm scrolling facebook. and one of my old friends, Alle pops up. And the minute I saw what she wrote, my heart was just crushed. I felt so horrible. She lost her entire family, one by one. She lost her closest family member - her older brother, someone she also saw as a father, best friend. To what has been described as leukemia, that he was hiding from everyone and didn't want to fight it. Then, a few years later her mom died, from ovarian cancer. Now about a month ago her father died, from one of the various different cancers he's always had over the years. When her brother died, she created a little memorial page for him. And this is what she just wrote in it
"I just don't understand it. It really befuddles me. I'm not sad or mad I'm just numb. I try to cry but I psychically can't, I'm just in shock. I miss you all... I miss my family."
I just cant stop crying for her now. She has all the money and support in the world - she has never once paid her own bills, works full time (or did, not sure if she does now because I'm sure her father had life insurance) and always got to just spend her paychecks. Always had a brand new infiniti g35 she's never had to pay for. But I bet she would trade it all to have her family back, or just one of her family back. She still has her grandparents on her dads side, but they aren't her immediate blood. I bet she would take all of my problems, plus five more peoples problems just to spend one day with them all again. Someone even just commented on her post saying "I tell anyone who complains about stupid shit your story. It boggles my mind. I'm so sorry hun. You're strong, if you ever need ANYTHING"
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[12 Aug 2013|03:01pm]
I need to start using this more often, at least as a food diary. Today I'm hungover as fuck but just forced down a 100cal english muffin and egg whites so that my stomach won't be hurting and grumbling when I go on this job interview later.

I know this is weird, hateful also, but is it really that odd that even though I hate my father - legit, I really do. I despise him. He hates me as much as I hate him, if not more. He does for me what he has to, drives me to an interview or picks me up if he has to, or whatever. He is still there for me when he has to be, I suppose. But he makes it pretty clear that he dislikes anything and everything about me. Anyway, we have a mutual hate for each other. But his relationship with my ex boyfriend Jon is pretty hurtful to me. Jon gets paid by the government to watch my brother 3 hours a day. And I guess him and my dad have really bonded over the 3 years he has been working here, but now he like throws it in my face that he likes Jon and not me. He is always going out of his way to talk to him, its like they are best friends. My dad has no friends and I guess Jon is the only friend he has, but it is still pretty hurtful that he makes such an effort to have a relationship with him and not me. I'm on probation, but when I wasn't, my dad would not ever smoke pot with me. He is so heavily addicted to pot it's disgusting. I would be outside smoking pot, and he would refuse to smoke with me, and critisize any method that I was using to smoke (if it's blunt - "How do you smoke that nasty fucking shit? Roll a fucking joint" - mind you he doesn't even smoke with me - or if it's a bong "Why do you want to cough like that? Fucking stupid") ANYWAY he used to smoke ALL THE TIME with Jon. Every day. He would invite Jon to come smoke with him, and then ask me to sit somewhere else on the patio so they can sit together. He does that every fucking time he walks outside - tells me to move from my seat, when I was fucking there first. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and flipped the fuck out and told him HE can go sit somewhere else, because I'm sitting here and not moving - and how dare he ask ME to move, but would never ask Jon. I finally put a stop to them smoking pot every day together, because I made a point to mention that the government is paying for them to get high together.

Yeah I mean I'm not sure why I feel this why. I really don't like my dad. I don't know why I'm jealous that he makes such an effort to have a relationship with my ex boyfriend.
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[23 May 2012|12:57pm]
I miss my best friend so much that it's killing me inside and out. I cant live with James and I cant live without him. I convinced him to get back together with me while he was in jail last time - for what I put him in there for. I stressed to him how bad I need him, that no other guy ever compares to him, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him in my life. I cant live without him. Ever since he left me again, I've put on 30 lbs, have no motivation to do anything, go through bouts of abusing random drugs, I cant take him not being in my life. The drugs hes on, and swears on his life that he isnt, has really changed him this time. I need him. And for the first time since I met him, he doesnt need me. After I said no to letting him borrow money, he cut me out of his life, wont answer my calls or texts, this is the first time Ive ever had to go more than a couple days at a time without talking to him. He knows how attached I am to him and how I just need his presence in my life. I'm going crazy, and honestly dont know where I'm going to end up if he keeps doing this to me. Either a loony bin, or prison, and it will be soon, because I need him so much it is killing m,y very being, killing my spirit, killing any desire to be apart of society, to even leave my bed, leave my house, do anything but get high and try to forget that hes gone forever. I would do anything, anything, just to have him answer my phone calls. To tell me everything is going to be okay, that he will always be here for me like he has always promised, that I will always be #1 in his life whether or not he has a girlfriend. He even exiled his sister, his only blood, for her taking my side. All I can do is think about him, what hes doing, where he could be, whether he thinks about me, whether he misses me. All I think of is where he could be, what he could be doing, or what he could be thinking of 24/7. He consumes me, so much more so when he;s gone. He is gone, and there is nothing I can do to make him just listen to me, just be in my life, just be the one steady support that Ive always been able to count on. The one person I could always call when I'm upset, when I get my heart broken, when I'm lonely, when I'm feeling unmotivated. He is the only person in this world that I could always call and I would always feel better after talking to him. He is like my drug, that I just cant get anymore no matter how hard I try to find it. This may be the last time I post something, anything, I just want to die without him, I am so afraid of death and have always said I would never commit suicide, but I just want to either hang myself, or take enough xanax to sleep forever, because not having him in my life, is just not worth living. He was the only sunshine in the cloudy, horrible, fucked up world my life is.
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[02 Dec 2011|04:45pm]
I am stuck in this horrible nightmare that I can't believe I created on my own. I'm not addicted to xanax anymore, I take it every now and then to have a real good sleep but - pro - I do not take it every day and so I would say I am not addicted to it anymore. However when I do take it it takes at least 3 or 4 FULL 2G XANAX BARS for me to feel them and I was able to just take a half at a time when I was physically dependent on them.
My addiction is gone, but it's like my detox made me create even more problems for me. After Sorin has constantly lied to me, tricked me into feeling bad enough for him and knowing I had feelings for him, has tricked me into giving me hundreds of dollars over and over again, just for him to treat me like shit and kick me to the curb when he's tired of dealing with me and tired of pretending to care about me just to get money out of me.
I was so desperate to find a love to replace James that I would fall hard, fast, with the truth dancing in front of my face: that he is using me, and I just wouldn't care because his company made me feel good.
James and I had been fighting a lot recently, because when he last got out of jail, he was doing the complete opposite of what he was telling me, and had this 15 year old girl at his house every day that I just became overwhelmed with jealousy. Sorin and I had just left the casino and the last time I went through it with Sorin, James left me with a kiss on the forehead, told me he loved me and promised he would fuck up Sorin for me. Sorin was taking me to meet James at the gas station to buy xanax from him that I had to force him to sell me. He had spent the day with me 2 days prior to that and did so much xanax, and had Nikki shoot his first round of steroids in him, he didn't even remember those two days and thought we were still fighting from before that, and wouldn't sell me anything because I kept threatening the cops on him. I finally convinced him to get them for me, telling him it's so fucked up that he gets everyone elses drugs but he loves me so much, and I've done so much for him but he can't get me what I want?
So he meets us at the gas station, we did the exchange, and then he went straight for Sorin, telling him he's a fucking piece of shit little junkie and he's using me and just going off on him, obviously roid raging, and pulled his switchblade on him. Poked him in the chest with it a bunch of times as he was talking, then knocked his hat off with it, and got back in the car and took off. I called the cops, told them he came at me AND Sorin with the knife, and now he's sitting in jail facing 10 years, 5 for this charge - aggravated assault w/ a deadly weapon, and 10 for violating probation for trafficking oxycodone.
And now that he's in jail, I am regretting it so much, I can't wake up and not be able to call him. I cannot live without him. I could walk over to his house whenever I wanted, he was always the one there for me when everyone else wasn't. He is the only person on this earth who truly knows me, inside and out. Front to back. I am regretting what I did to him so much it is killing me. He has been calling me and getting into my head and telling me how he loves me and he did that for me and it was out of anger of how much Sorin would constantly use me, hurt me, then leave me, for me to come crawling back, begging him to let him use me some more. I can't live without James. He told me I would feel how heavy this is turning into, how the effect of him being put away for years is sinking in and I can't believe I did this to him. Even though I am going to drop my charge, the state will probably pick it back up, or at least sentence him for violating probation regardless. I am so sick to my stomach, I finally feel the effects of him gone because he hasn't called me yet today, and I just want to call him and talk to him and hear his knowing voice. I know part of it is him getting into my head, but I just want to reverse everything I've done and wish I never called the cops and put him in jail. I knew him going back to jail would result in multiple years no matter how you look at it, because the terms of his probation is 15 years max if he violates.
I didn't care about doing this to him because it was getting me so mad that I couldnt have him, Sorin was back around, more strung out on dope than ever, completely dependent on me with no home or job and living out of his car. So I have him come stay with me, sleep with me at night, shower at my house, but in the week that he has been "staying" with me, he has only slept here 2 nights with me, all the while complaining to me how his life is so fucked up and he has nowhere to sleep. Keeping me feeling bad for him. I found a spoon in the bathroom with a burn mark on the bottom that I know was his, no one else was in my bathroom. But I ignored the evidence that he is shooting his dope now, and is obviously not going to go in the direction I was hoping he is. I fell asleep this morning and he took my house keys and $20 of the $40 I have to my name. FORTY FUCKING DOLLARS IS ALL I HAVE. When he's not around, I ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF CASH. But it has been slow at my agency, and it's like all my money has to go to putting gas in his car and giving him way more than necessary just to drive me around, and essentially be with me. He put his clothes in my closet before he left like this, like he knew it would be a sign of permanency for me, something I crave, and maybe he even thought me looking at his clothes would make me want him there more as well. I have been calling him all day and he just keeps getting mad and arguing with me, telling me that I don't need my keys because I'm not going anywhere and he's out trying to make money. Keeps trying to make it a huge fight so that I'll feel bad afterwards and want to keep wanting to give give give.
All I want is to turn back time and reverse what I did to James. Fuck, I want to go back in time and manage my money better. I say all the time that he is the reason why I'm not a paralegal anymore and why my life sucks now and I can't get a job because I'm too used to being able to get fast money with my body, but in reality I was making so much money I could have a brand new car, my own place, I could have it all. It was my choice to constantly blow my money. And now that it's so slow I'm stuck, and I just want to keep doing this long enough to pay off my court fines, get my license back and buy a car, but it's like every day is more and more impossible because there's no money coming in and every time I get some, I blow it. Every time.
I'm so stuck and all I want to do is get James out of jail, but even when he gets out, I know nothing will be the same and he will hate me for what I did to him. He is getting into my head now and telling me he loves me so that I will drop the charge, and it's working, but I truly do feel the guilt of what I am doing now. I need him so bad it feels as like my heart is ripped out and he's holding it there with him, and won't let it go. I can't be happy with him, and I can't be happy without him. We have the most horrible fights, and every time we try to get back together, it's worse than the last time. But I can't be without him either. I am absolutely, positively fucking miserable without him. He is my other half, in a fucked up way, I love him as a lover, friend, father, brother. I look at him in all of those ways. It is always him that I am constantly thinking of and talking about when I'm not with him, and with him gone now because of ME is fucking killing me.
I need him to call me and cry to him and tell him he is right as usual, right about everything, I should have listened to him about Sorin, I should have been happy just having him in my life. Sorin tells me I take my home and my parents willing to feed me for granted, but in actuality it is only James I took for granted. I know what it is like to be without a home, not be able to eat, and to be without James. I knew how much it killed me inside the last time he was locked up. And now that it's going to be for a much longer time, I don't know what to do with myself, I don't give a fuck about Sorin anymore, I want to throw his spoon at him and tell him I know he's shooting dope and he has finally successfully pushed me away and I'm sick of him making me feel bad for him and giving him all of my money I sell my fucking body for. I can't believe I did this.
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[05 Nov 2006|09:37am]

reality is so BORING.
join now!!. the_drug_life
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[03 Jul 2004|01:11am]

FRIENDS ONLY.

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[02 Jul 2004|10:08am]
My Best Friend is casper666
Our 26 common interests are: anime, boys in makeup, cigarettes, cradle of filth, crossbreed, disturbed, fear factory, fire, godsmack, hatebreed, korn, metallica, mindless self indulgence, murderdolls, music, nine inch nails, nirvana, pantera, porn, rage against the machine, sex, slayer, slipknot, system of a down, tool, type o negative
Who is your best friend?
Username:
Created by macoto


I love you Kasper =).
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