||[02 Dec 2011|04:45pm]
I am stuck in this horrible nightmare that I can't believe I created on my own. I'm not addicted to xanax anymore, I take it every now and then to have a real good sleep but - pro - I do not take it every day and so I would say I am not addicted to it anymore. However when I do take it it takes at least 3 or 4 FULL 2G XANAX BARS for me to feel them and I was able to just take a half at a time when I was physically dependent on them.
My addiction is gone, but it's like my detox made me create even more problems for me. After Sorin has constantly lied to me, tricked me into feeling bad enough for him and knowing I had feelings for him, has tricked me into giving me hundreds of dollars over and over again, just for him to treat me like shit and kick me to the curb when he's tired of dealing with me and tired of pretending to care about me just to get money out of me.
I was so desperate to find a love to replace James that I would fall hard, fast, with the truth dancing in front of my face: that he is using me, and I just wouldn't care because his company made me feel good.
James and I had been fighting a lot recently, because when he last got out of jail, he was doing the complete opposite of what he was telling me, and had this 15 year old girl at his house every day that I just became overwhelmed with jealousy. Sorin and I had just left the casino and the last time I went through it with Sorin, James left me with a kiss on the forehead, told me he loved me and promised he would fuck up Sorin for me. Sorin was taking me to meet James at the gas station to buy xanax from him that I had to force him to sell me. He had spent the day with me 2 days prior to that and did so much xanax, and had Nikki shoot his first round of steroids in him, he didn't even remember those two days and thought we were still fighting from before that, and wouldn't sell me anything because I kept threatening the cops on him. I finally convinced him to get them for me, telling him it's so fucked up that he gets everyone elses drugs but he loves me so much, and I've done so much for him but he can't get me what I want?
So he meets us at the gas station, we did the exchange, and then he went straight for Sorin, telling him he's a fucking piece of shit little junkie and he's using me and just going off on him, obviously roid raging, and pulled his switchblade on him. Poked him in the chest with it a bunch of times as he was talking, then knocked his hat off with it, and got back in the car and took off. I called the cops, told them he came at me AND Sorin with the knife, and now he's sitting in jail facing 10 years, 5 for this charge - aggravated assault w/ a deadly weapon, and 10 for violating probation for trafficking oxycodone.
And now that he's in jail, I am regretting it so much, I can't wake up and not be able to call him. I cannot live without him. I could walk over to his house whenever I wanted, he was always the one there for me when everyone else wasn't. He is the only person on this earth who truly knows me, inside and out. Front to back. I am regretting what I did to him so much it is killing me. He has been calling me and getting into my head and telling me how he loves me and he did that for me and it was out of anger of how much Sorin would constantly use me, hurt me, then leave me, for me to come crawling back, begging him to let him use me some more. I can't live without James. He told me I would feel how heavy this is turning into, how the effect of him being put away for years is sinking in and I can't believe I did this to him. Even though I am going to drop my charge, the state will probably pick it back up, or at least sentence him for violating probation regardless. I am so sick to my stomach, I finally feel the effects of him gone because he hasn't called me yet today, and I just want to call him and talk to him and hear his knowing voice. I know part of it is him getting into my head, but I just want to reverse everything I've done and wish I never called the cops and put him in jail. I knew him going back to jail would result in multiple years no matter how you look at it, because the terms of his probation is 15 years max if he violates.
I didn't care about doing this to him because it was getting me so mad that I couldnt have him, Sorin was back around, more strung out on dope than ever, completely dependent on me with no home or job and living out of his car. So I have him come stay with me, sleep with me at night, shower at my house, but in the week that he has been "staying" with me, he has only slept here 2 nights with me, all the while complaining to me how his life is so fucked up and he has nowhere to sleep. Keeping me feeling bad for him. I found a spoon in the bathroom with a burn mark on the bottom that I know was his, no one else was in my bathroom. But I ignored the evidence that he is shooting his dope now, and is obviously not going to go in the direction I was hoping he is. I fell asleep this morning and he took my house keys and $20 of the $40 I have to my name. FORTY FUCKING DOLLARS IS ALL I HAVE. When he's not around, I ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF CASH. But it has been slow at my agency, and it's like all my money has to go to putting gas in his car and giving him way more than necessary just to drive me around, and essentially be with me. He put his clothes in my closet before he left like this, like he knew it would be a sign of permanency for me, something I crave, and maybe he even thought me looking at his clothes would make me want him there more as well. I have been calling him all day and he just keeps getting mad and arguing with me, telling me that I don't need my keys because I'm not going anywhere and he's out trying to make money. Keeps trying to make it a huge fight so that I'll feel bad afterwards and want to keep wanting to give give give.
All I want is to turn back time and reverse what I did to James. Fuck, I want to go back in time and manage my money better. I say all the time that he is the reason why I'm not a paralegal anymore and why my life sucks now and I can't get a job because I'm too used to being able to get fast money with my body, but in reality I was making so much money I could have a brand new car, my own place, I could have it all. It was my choice to constantly blow my money. And now that it's so slow I'm stuck, and I just want to keep doing this long enough to pay off my court fines, get my license back and buy a car, but it's like every day is more and more impossible because there's no money coming in and every time I get some, I blow it. Every time.
I'm so stuck and all I want to do is get James out of jail, but even when he gets out, I know nothing will be the same and he will hate me for what I did to him. He is getting into my head now and telling me he loves me so that I will drop the charge, and it's working, but I truly do feel the guilt of what I am doing now. I need him so bad it feels as like my heart is ripped out and he's holding it there with him, and won't let it go. I can't be happy with him, and I can't be happy without him. We have the most horrible fights, and every time we try to get back together, it's worse than the last time. But I can't be without him either. I am absolutely, positively fucking miserable without him. He is my other half, in a fucked up way, I love him as a lover, friend, father, brother. I look at him in all of those ways. It is always him that I am constantly thinking of and talking about when I'm not with him, and with him gone now because of ME is fucking killing me.
I need him to call me and cry to him and tell him he is right as usual, right about everything, I should have listened to him about Sorin, I should have been happy just having him in my life. Sorin tells me I take my home and my parents willing to feed me for granted, but in actuality it is only James I took for granted. I know what it is like to be without a home, not be able to eat, and to be without James. I knew how much it killed me inside the last time he was locked up. And now that it's going to be for a much longer time, I don't know what to do with myself, I don't give a fuck about Sorin anymore, I want to throw his spoon at him and tell him I know he's shooting dope and he has finally successfully pushed me away and I'm sick of him making me feel bad for him and giving him all of my money I sell my fucking body for. I can't believe I did this.